Why I’m Really Single

I’ll never forget the overwhelming sense of relief that came over me when I found out my ex-fiancé was cheating on me. Yes, you read that right, relief. Trust me, I was just as confused as you are reading this. I mean after all, I LOVED this guy, so why was it that after almost 6 years of being together and saying “Yes” to spending the rest of my life with him, half of me wanted to throw him over the balcony of our overpriced apartment on Wilshire Boulevard and the other half wanted to thank him? I didn’t understand that at the time, but I understand it now…

I’ve had boyfriends since I was 9-years-old. Yep, at age 9, John Powell purchased this cute little ring at the county fair with my name plus his name on it and that was it for me. He automatically became my first boyfriend. In the south declaring a boyfriend at such a young age made you “fast,” but Stephanie Tanner marry Harry Takayama on Full House when they were around 7 or 8, so I was right on track!

After him, there was another boyfriend at age 11, and then one at 13, and then one at 14, who happened to be the one at 13, but somewhere in that year, we broke up and got back together.  Then there was another boyfriend from 17 to 18.  Once I went off to college however, the boyfriend from 17 to 18 and I called it quits, and I entered into another relationship around 18 and a half. I was in that relationship until I was 21, only to get out of it and into ANOTHER ONE from the ages of 21 to 24.  Are y’all tired? Because I’m tired just typing it. But I’m not finished…

During the 21-24 year-old relationship, I remember feeling like I needed a break from boys, like I needed time to just focus on me, but I’m only saying that in hindsight because I didn’t even know what focusing on me was a thing at the time.  Besides, I thought I was focusing on me because wasn’t life all about getting an education and eventually marrying someone?  In the small Kentucky town I was from, people got married right out of high school and while I never desired for that to be my life, I was stuck in a vicious cycle of boyfriends out of what seemed to be habit.

Fast forward to the end of my 21 to 24-year-old relationship and I was finally solo…well, kind of.  I wasn’t in a relationship but I was still dating.  THEN, just a month and some days shy of my 29th birthday, I moved to New York City determined not to get into a relationship. I just wanted to focus on pursuing an acting career and a boyfriend was not required for that. I don’t know about you ladies, (or the few men that may be reading this) but when I’m in a relationship, I go all in and that person becomes a priority in my life in a way that can be distracting and draining for me, especially when it’s not being reciprocated. 

But I digress…

Remember a few sentences back when I said I was determined not to have a boyfriend in New York? Well, I arrived there in April of 2005, met my aforementioned fiancé in June 2005, and by December of 2005, guess what? He was my boyfriend. I know, I’m over me too.

Fast forward to November 2010, my boyfriend I swore I wouldn’t have/ turned fiancé and I broke up. I was at the end of my relationship rope. I was DONE. I did NOT want another one.  I was 33-years-old (what I like to call my “Jesus” year) and after 2 decades of boyfriends when most people were either getting married or married and on their first, second, or third child, I was breaking up with the man I said “yes” to marrying.

FINALLY, an opportunity to be single and at an age where I actually knew some things about life. Enough to know that I still had so much more I wanted to figure out and I could make decisions that weren’t influenced by someone I “loved.” Not to mention, I went from living in my parents’ home straight to roommates in college and in New York, so I had never been alone in any capacity. As much as I hated to admit it, that overwhelming sense of relief I felt when I realized my relationship was about to come to an end was quite possibly my soul’s cry for some much needed alone time.

Fast forward to 2019, and I’ve been single ever since…technically. I did see someone for a couple of months at a time here and there, but I have been single as in no serious, long term relationship for 9 years now. During these 9 years, I’ve had stretches of time where I didn’t even entertain face-to-face conversation with a man for 1 and a half to 2 years at a time.

Do I ever want to be married? Sure, but even after 9 years of being single, I’m in no rush.  And sure, I have my moments when I wish there was someone I could go on a cute date with but I cherish this time that I have to myself to sit quietly, thinking, writing and contemplating all weekend long in my pajamas and penguin socks if that’s what I chose to do (and more often than not, it is).

Being single this long does have its drawbacks, however. I’ve gotten so used to being alone that I’m extremely hesitant to share my space, time, and peanut butter with anyone else (there’s a story there with the peanut butter but we’ll discuss it another time). I’m pretty sure when the right guy comes along I won’t feel this way and I’ll gladly share with him. But unless he comes in the form of the Amazon Prime delivery guy, I won’t be meeting him anytime soon because getting me out of the house is next to impossible.

I should probably get married so someone else can kill the Spiders

While I am certain there are several life-enhancing benefits to marriage, the removal of arachnids from my living space tops the list for me.  Whew, chiiiiile if the feminists of the world are reading this, I know they want to throw their electronic devices across the room.  “KILL YOUR OWN SPIDERS!” they’re probably shouting at me through their screens.  But hey, don’t be so quick to chastise me. After all, I would be commanding my husband to kill the spiders, see?

I hate spiders, or any type of insect that decides to take up residence in my home without offering to pay rent.  I remember when I was home from college one summer, I spotted a spider in my mom’s bedroom. I shut the door, grabbed the cordless house phone, and called my Dad to come and kill it while I kept an eye on it from the crack underneath my mom’s bedroom door.

So see, I’ve always been accustomed to having men kill spiders for me.  When left to my own devices, I have torn down blinds, broken a ceiling fan, and punched a hole in the wall, all to kill a spider.  Which brings me to my next desire for a husband: So he can fix the things I’ve destroyed when he wasn’t around to kill the spiders.

I do have certain criteria when it comes to finding this husband though. The main criteria being,  I don’t want to have to ask him to kill the spider. I want him to automatically spring into action as a result of my reaction to the eight-legged terror crawling about in my living space. This proves to me that he sees the spider as just as much of an intrusion as I do.  If I have to ask him to kill it however,  we could never work. You probably say I’m being ridiculous but think about it: if I’m not around and he happens to see a spider in the house and his only reaction is a non-chalant shrug and turning a blind eye, I can’t trust this man with my life. He has literally just left a murderer to roam about freely in my living quarters!

One more requirement and then I’m done.  My future husband/critter killer can’t be scared of spiders also. When I was living in New York City, I dated a guy who jumped and squealed higher than I did when he saw a mouse in his own apartment. I knew right then it wasn’t going to last, but I hung in there for at least a couple of months because he had central heating and air conditioning. 

If you’re reading this and shaking your head, don’t judge me too harshly. Part of this is just my sense of humor and I truly do see a value in marriage beyond having someone to squish bugs. I love love and I love the idea of a life partnership with the right person. I’m just gonna need his vow to kill ALL the spiders in writing…and preferably spoken before God, a pastor, and all of our wedding guests. 

Doing Something New…

Hey Everyone! I’m in the process of re-vamping my blog so just hang in there with me 🙂 I’ve taken a lot of my old content down but if you were here before and you’re looking for something that used to be here, feel free to contact me and I will gladly send you what you’re looking for. Stay tuned…

Bacon, Pork Chops, and The Messiah

pork chop
Caramelized Cumin Spiced Pork Chop at Taste on Melrose, Los Angeles, CA

I went on a breakfast date with a guy that a friend of mine thought I should meet because according to my friend, this guy and I seemed to be on similar spiritual journeys.

We met up for this date on a Saturday morning. I got there before he did, put my name on the list, (there was a wait) and waited for him outside. He arrived about 10-15 minutes late, but he was cute so all was forgiven.

At first, we only ordered coffee because we wanted to just talk and get to know each other. After about 20 minutes of laughter and conversation, we ordered breakfast.

“What can I get for you, Miss?” The server asked.

“You can take his order first. I’m not ready yet,” I replied.

He gave his order: a stack of pancakes with a side of turkey bacon. He eats carbs and sugar for breakfast? Hmph, doesn’t look like it. Maybe it’s his cheat day. Who knows? Who cares? I’m hungry.

“I’ll have two eggs, scrambled with a side of bacon, extra crispy, please.”

“Got it,” the server scribbled down my order. Just as she turns to walk away…

“You mean turkey bacon, right?” He asked me, glaring from behind his menu. It was similar to one of those looks your father or husband gives you when he’s looking up from the credit card bill, asking you to “explain these charges”.

“No.  I meant bacon…from a pig.”  I said this to him in a very stern, matter of fact tone. I needed him to know that if we were to go beyond this date, (although his judgmental tone towards my bacon was already sending the possibility of that on a steep decline) when it comes to what I put in, on or through my body, I’M the boss of me. Now, back to bacon…

The server caught ALL the subtext of my text and had already closed her notebook and scurried off. See, she knew what was up.

“You eat pork?” He asked me, face all scrunched up in judgment. 

“Well, on occasions I will eat bacon if I’m ordering breakfast at a restaurant, and I had a pork chop 4 years ago at Taste on Melrose in Los Angeles, but other than that, eating pork is not a regular indulgence for me.”  I got specific about the time and geography of that pork chop because it was that good! If you live in LA, Taste on Melrose’s, Caramelized cumin spiced pork chop will change your life.

He clasped his hands in front of him on the table and leaned in.

“I thought you were born again?” he asked.

I froze. Not because I felt embarrassed or like I had done something wrong. But because yes, I was born again and my normal response would have taken his head off. I needed to make sure for my own personal growth that  I responded like somebody who was really trying to practice what Jesus preached.

“I thought I was too…” I stopped right there because I wanted to give him a chance to finish.

“Well, if you call yourself born again, you’re breaking one of the laws right now. You’re defiling your body with a pig”.

At this point, my mind went from “What Would Jesus Do” to “What Would Claire Huxtable Do?” If it’s one thing that pushes my buttons, it’s someone’s arrogance in the midst of their ignorance and  I looooove to give a good, factual, read, hunty! He was no longer the attractive man I was on a breakfast date with.  All I saw in front of me was Elvin Tibideaux when he insisted that Sandra do woman things and stay in a woman’s place.

“So what you’re telling me is, because I’m about to eat roughly, 4 pieces of bacon, I’m committing a sin against God?”

“Yeah!” He looked at me as if to suggest that I couldn’t possibly be a child of God since I didn’t know that eating bacon would send me to hell. I thought, “He’s not serious, is he?” But he was. So, I let Claire come on out.

“Really? Because I could have sworn Jesus stated, ‘It is not what goes into the mouth of a man that defiles and dishonors him, but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles and dishonors him’. I could have also sworn that Jesus clearly stated He came to fulfill the law, which technically means if I want to go back to that kitchen and order an entire pig portion of bacon I can do that and do you know why?”

He doesn’t know why…

“Because on the glorious day when Jesus returns, he is NOT going to snatch away my salvation if I just so happen to have my teeth sunken into a pork chop, and since we’re talking about pork chops, that last one I had in LA was the bomb! Can I cook a pork chop like that? No.  But, I am VERY fond of Shake ’n’ Bake and one day soon, I just MIGHT DECIDE I want to make me some Shake n’ Bake pork chops and you know what?”

Again, he doesn’t know what…

“I’mma STILL be saved.”

He just sat there, looking at me. I waited for him to respond but I got nothin’. Crickets…

Needless to say, this cut our breakfast date short. When our server came to refill our coffee I politely said to her…

“Could you just put my breakfast in a to-go box? But please, leave the bacon out. I’m gonna eat it right here”. I told ya’ll in my last post I was a petty work in progress.

I never saw him again after that and later that night, I picked up some pork chops on my way home. I never cooked them but I bought them simply because I could. 

In the future, I will do my best to avoid going on dates with people who confuse the gospel of Jesus with religion. Religion is what got Jesus murdered but Jesus dying on the cross and rising again is what allows me to murder bacon. If a future date can’t grasp the reality of that, I’m not the one for him.

That Time God Put Me In My Place


I don’t know about you but when God works with me, He uses situations and relationships in my life as a mirror to reflect the condition of my relationship with Him.  Let me tell you what I mean…

The day I got engaged I was so shocked. I wasn’t shocked that he was asking. The shock came from the timing of it all. For the past year, we had been going in opposite directions. I was swamped with auditions, classes, and work, while he was laser-focused on building his company and our lives weren’t intersecting at all. We had gone from spending several nights and weekends together, to only seeing each other in passing, maybe a couple of times a week. This bothered me but I kept telling myself, “okay, don’t nag him about how much time you’re not spending together. Let the man work”. I’m not saying I wasn’t busy as well but you know how we are as women. We’re more likely to pause and shift everything around in order to make a relationship work.

But back to the proposal… When it happened, on the inside I was thinking: “Wait…what? where is this coming from? We’ve barely seen each other the past year!” On the outside, however, the actress in me came through and once he got down on his knee in the diner where we first met 4 and a half years prior, I gasped, I cried, I said yes. Of course, I was confused but what was I going to say with everybody watching? “Wait! I have questions!” I mean, sure, I could have said that but… who does that?

Almost a year after the engagement, the relationship ended. I’ll say that too much ambition and a lack of taking the time to make our relationship the priority definitely aided in everything falling apart. Is too much ambition a bad thing? Of course not, but it is when there’s no balance and I’ve watched enough Lifetime movies to know that this is how women end up having “afternoons” with the pool boy because they married men who would rather give their wallets than their time.

Fast forward to July/August 2016. I was spending some quiet time with God and as usual, He started to reveal some things about myself and my character that I had been slow to realize. About a week prior, I had a big argument with my ex.  Most of our conversations ended in arguments these days because, despite how long it had been since we ended the relationship, I still harbored lots of anger and resentment toward him because I felt he had yet to acknowledge the reality of why our relationship went left.

Then, all of a sudden, it was as if God sprinkled “girl, you’ve got yo nerve” dust over my head.  I heard Him say to me, “well, Stephanie, I understand your pain and your frustration with your relationship, how you wanted to be loved and prioritized. After all, that’s how I’ve felt your entire life about OUR relationship”.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I was instantly humbled. How could I be so angry at my ex for not making me a priority when I couldn’t even prioritize the One who created me? When I had this, what I like to call “soul epiphany”, I immediately asked God for forgiveness. I wanted to call my ex and apologize to him in that very moment.  I didn’t have the right to hold this over his head anymore. All my life I had been treating God the way I accused my ex of treating me. I still expected God to show up for me, be there when I needed Him, all the while giving Him none of my time in return. I held off on calling my ex, however, because that last conversation/argument we had…whew Lawd, it was so extra.

About two weeks later, I got around to apologizing to my ex. I explained to him how I had this encounter with God and how, through my anger, He had revealed to me that I was basically being a hypocrite. I don’t know if my ex fully grasped what I was saying but he accepted it and he apologized as well, for everything.

Ever since then I’ve thought twice about being so quick to make myself the victim in any situation where I feel I’ve been wronged. I’ve realized that while my emotions are important, they’re often secondary to the true lesson I’m supposed to be learning. That there’s always a bigger plan at play and if I’m caught up in my feelings, I’ll miss the lesson and the blessing of the whole thing.

As for my ex and I, we’re great friends. I no longer want to pay the barista at Starbucks to drop laxatives in his coffee, nor do I still fantasize about stealing his dry-cleaning and donating it to Goodwill.  And don’t look at me like that. Being born again does not automatically cure your pettiness. We are responsible for the daily renewing of our minds and let’s just say, some days I’m slower to renew than others.  

Forty Things I’ve Learned By 40


Next month, I will be 40. I don’t feel like it but my left knee does.  I’ve always been a thinker. My mama tells me I think too much and for the most part, I agree. But most of the time, I’m honestly thinking about how I can learn from the things I get wrong (which is often) in hopes that I will grow to be a better human who’s capable of contributing some good stuff to the world.

Below is a list of things I’ve learned and/or observed throughout my almost 40 years of life.  Notice for some of them, I wrote in the first person because they’re personal to me. Feel free to read them and see if they apply to things you’ve learned and to share them in the comments as well!

  1. Never wait on anyone to give me permission to be who God created and equipped me to be.
  2. It is very possible to live without the Internet.
  3. Hindsight will drive me crazy.
  4. I thought I knew who I was way before I actually did.
  5. Most of my health concerns can be eliminated through the foods I eat.
  6. If I left my acquisition of black history knowledge to American textbooks, I would only know about: Martin Luther King, Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass.
  7. Comfortable underwear/drawz/panties are underrated.
  8. It’s quite alright to cut some people out of my life. EVERYONE is of value but not everyone is of value to me.
  9. As I grew older, my life became more a result of personal choices than circumstances.
  10. It’s never too late to start over.
  11. When someone tells me I’m their only friend, RUN! (This especially pertains to romantic relationships)
  12. Most of the things I need (notice, I said NEED) are provided through & from the earth (Coconut oil, shea butter, and apple cider vinegar cover everything).
  13. Weed has yet to take a life and is prescribed by doctors to cure certain illnesses, yet it remains illegal in most states. Cigarettes kill on a daily basis, yet can be legally purchased in every convenient store.
  14. Wood paneling and popcorn ceilings are a sin.
  15. Failure is not an option as long as I try.
  16. Everyone is not going to like me and that’s okay.
  17. Jesus is real.
  18. Denim was not originally cut and created with my body type in mind.
  19. It is dangerous to let my imagination go unused or to stop dreaming.
  20. Vision boards > New Year’s Resolutions.
  21. Black women do not do passive aggressive and I, being one of them, am proud of it.
  22. Apologizing and admitting I’m wrong aids in my self-growth and is beneficial for the person I’ve wronged.
  23. Humility is admirable.
  24. I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe the person I select to do this life thing and build a family with is it. So I will choose wisely.
  25. Being a people pleaser often leads to disappointing myself.
  26. Only highly insecure people actually have the nerve to call someone physically “ugly”.
  27. No one can let me down like I can.
  28. My mom was right…about everything.
  29. The world is full of insecure people who are in positions of power and authority. Find ways around them.
  30. I can learn from someone’s successes and failures. 
  31. Being resilient in love is a gift.
  32. If I don’t take me seriously, no one else will.
  33. Being active is the key to life.
  34. Wearing my hair the way God naturally intended it to grow out of my scalp should not be up for workplace dress code discussion.
  35. Showing up for friends and family is important.
  36. In relationships, repetitive, unwanted behavior from my partner becomes my fault.
  37. Be grateful for where I am while I’m there, not in retrospect (hence, #3).
  38. Michael Jackson vs. Prince should have never been a thing. They were different, amazing and there was room enough for both of them…obviously.
  39. A simple life is underrated.
  40. The kids are watching.


Hey There! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’m so glad that you did! I’m in the process of updating my posts (adding some/taking some away), as well as the look/layout of my blog. Meaning, if you come here one day and things seem to be changing everytime you refresh, please be patient with me. It’s a work in progress. Look at it as if you’re walking into a store that’s currently under construction but you can still buy things. Cool?

The Best Detox For Your Body

detox-2048x1536Before going into 2017, I think I would do myself some good to do a heart detox. I’m not talking about un-clogging my arteries by sipping on green juices and smoothies for weeks at a time (okay let’s be real: days at a time because by day 4, I’m about to kill somebody if I don’t get some solid foods in my system!). I’m talking about really sitting down in a quiet space, dissecting the year going out so that I can go confidently into the new year with a clear mind and heart. We often take the time to write down our new year’s resolutions and a lot of those are tangible, physical goals we’d like to achieve. But what about the intangible things? The spaces in our brains and hearts that have become cluttered by the past year’s junk? Don’t we need to take the time to acknowledge and de-clutter those?

2016 was crazy! The election, no matter what side you were on, put a lot of people in a bad space. Some of us lost friends, fought with our families, got fired from jobs, viewed our co-workers that we thought we knew in a different light. The list of side effects from this bad pill we call “politics” goes on and on. I know personally, I’ve gone back and viewed past Facebook posts or tweets, read them out loud and thought: “hmm, I can see how, even though I feel I was coming from a righteous place, could be hurtful to someone with opposing views”.  That’s never my intention. I’m sure it’s never the majority of our intentions but by nature, we as humans are passionate about the things we believe in and it causes us to react from an emotional space more often than not.

While it may not be possible, nor desired to restore some of the friendships lost or broken this year, what we can do prior to entering 2017 is perform a post-mortem of the last 12 months we’re leaving behind and hopefully leave a few unnecessary things with it. Here’s a step by step process of what I like to call, my  “Spirit detox”:

Spirit Detox:

I grab a sheet of paper and divide it down the middle, creating 2 separate columns: “2016 Pros” and “2016 Cons”. (*Note: this pros and cons list will include not only tangible, physical accomplishments and failures but mental and emotional ones as well). Once I’ve made this list, I measure each one by the following:

  1. How did this affect me internally?
  2. Did this help or harm me or anyone else?
  3. Was this righteous and responsible for myself and for others?
  4. Is this something I should carry into the new year with me?
  5. If this was wrong, what can I do to correct it?
  6. When will I start the correcting?

People repeat Gandhi’s quote all the time: “you must be the change you want to see in the world”. It sounds great but talk is cheap. I don’t know about you, but I spend the majority of my time outwardly making things happen and that’s okay. Productivity is great! But it’s my personal responsibility to also take the time and make sure that whatever I’m outwardly producing sprouted from a good, healthy space on the inside as well. AND, the good thing about this detox is, it can be done anytime, as much as you feel you need it.

Now, who’s detoxing with me? Please feel free to leave a comment if you have any helpful steps to add or your own detoxing techniques you’d like to share!


How Maroon-colored Carpet Made me Re-evaluate my Relationship

I’m the worst daughter ever.  At least I feel like my mother thinks so. Well, not really but I’m quite sure she wants to break down and cry because her only child (that would be me) has yet to speak of desiring to have a wedding and babies. I think those are two huge moments that moms of only children live for, weddings and babies. Those and that moment they can finally exhale when they’ve realized their first born has made it through college, into a job and won’t grow up to be a hardened criminal. Wait: maybe my mom still has reason for worry because since I’m a creative, the job part is still a mystery to her.

As far back as I can remember, I never grew up thinking I wanted what some people consider, “The American Dream”: the house, the husband, the kids. Don’t get me wrong, I always SAID I wanted it when I was in conversation with someone but I never really FELT that’s what I wanted. I never aimed to achieve that. It was as if acquiring those things was the natural order of life and I was supposed to want them. It wasn’t until I hit 31 that I realized I wasn’t dreaming the American Dream.  Let me tell you how this happened:

Continue reading “How Maroon-colored Carpet Made me Re-evaluate my Relationship”