Bacon, Pork Chops, and The Messiah

pork chop
Caramelized Cumin Spiced Pork Chop at Taste on Melrose, Los Angeles, CA

I went on a breakfast date with a guy that a friend of mine thought I should meet because according to my friend, this guy and I seemed to be on similar spiritual journeys.

We met up for this date on a Saturday morning. I got there before he did, put my name on the list, (there was a wait) and waited for him outside. He arrived about 10-15 minutes late, but he was cute so all was forgiven.

At first, we only ordered coffee because we wanted to just talk and get to know each other. After about 20 minutes of laughter and conversation, we ordered breakfast.

“What can I get for you, Miss?” The server asked.

“You can take his order first. I’m not ready yet,” I replied.

He gave his order: a stack of pancakes with a side of turkey bacon. He eats carbs and sugar for breakfast? Hmph, doesn’t look like it. Maybe it’s his cheat day. Who knows? Who cares? I’m hungry.

“I’ll have two eggs, scrambled with a side of bacon, extra crispy, please.”

“Got it,” the server scribbled down my order. Just as she turns to walk away…

“You mean turkey bacon, right?” He asked me, glaring from behind his menu. It was similar to one of those looks your father or husband gives you when he’s looking up from the credit card bill, asking you to “explain these charges”.

“No.  I meant bacon…from a pig.”  I said this to him in a very stern, matter of fact tone. I needed him to know that if we were to go beyond this date, (although his judgmental tone towards my bacon was already sending the possibility of that on a steep decline) when it comes to what I put in, on or through my body, I’M the boss of me. Now, back to bacon…

The server caught ALL the subtext of my text and had already closed her notebook and scurried off. See, she knew what was up.

“You eat pork?” He asked me, face all scrunched up in judgment. 

“Well, on occasions I will eat bacon if I’m ordering breakfast at a restaurant, and I had a pork chop 4 years ago at Taste on Melrose in Los Angeles, but other than that, eating pork is not a regular indulgence for me.”  I got specific about the time and geography of that pork chop because it was that good! If you live in LA, Taste on Melrose’s, Caramelized cumin spiced pork chop will change your life.

He clasped his hands in front of him on the table and leaned in.

“I thought you were born again?” he asked.

I froze. Not because I felt embarrassed or like I had done something wrong. But because yes, I was born again and my normal response would have taken his head off. I needed to make sure for my own personal growth that  I responded like somebody who was really trying to practice what Jesus preached.

“I thought I was too…” I stopped right there because I wanted to give him a chance to finish.

“Well, if you call yourself born again, you’re breaking one of the laws right now. You’re defiling your body with a pig”.

At this point, my mind went from “What Would Jesus Do” to “What Would Claire Huxtable Do?” If it’s one thing that pushes my buttons, it’s someone’s arrogance in the midst of their ignorance and  I looooove to give a good, factual, read, hunty! He was no longer the attractive man I was on a breakfast date with.  All I saw in front of me was Elvin Tibideaux when he insisted that Sandra do woman things and stay in a woman’s place.

“So what you’re telling me is, because I’m about to eat roughly, 4 pieces of bacon, I’m committing a sin against God?”

“Yeah!” He looked at me as if to suggest that I couldn’t possibly be a child of God since I didn’t know that eating bacon would send me to hell. I thought, “He’s not serious, is he?” But he was. So, I let Claire come on out.

“Really? Because I could have sworn Jesus stated, ‘It is not what goes into the mouth of a man that defiles and dishonors him, but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles and dishonors him’. I could have also sworn that Jesus clearly stated He came to fulfill the law, which technically means if I want to go back to that kitchen and order an entire pig portion of bacon I can do that and do you know why?”

He doesn’t know why…

“Because on the glorious day when Jesus returns, he is NOT going to snatch away my salvation if I just so happen to have my teeth sunken into a pork chop, and since we’re talking about pork chops, that last one I had in LA was the bomb! Can I cook a pork chop like that? No.  But, I am VERY fond of Shake ’n’ Bake and one day soon, I just MIGHT DECIDE I want to make me some Shake n’ Bake pork chops and you know what?”

Again, he doesn’t know what…

“I’mma STILL be saved.”

He just sat there, looking at me. I waited for him to respond but I got nothin’. Crickets…

Needless to say, this cut our breakfast date short. When our server came to refill our coffee I politely said to her…

“Could you just put my breakfast in a to-go box? But please, leave the bacon out. I’m gonna eat it right here”. I told ya’ll in my last post I was a petty work in progress.

I never saw him again after that and later that night, I picked up some pork chops on my way home. I never cooked them but I bought them simply because I could. 

In the future, I will do my best to avoid going on dates with people who confuse the gospel of Jesus with religion. Religion is what got Jesus murdered but Jesus dying on the cross and rising again is what allows me to murder bacon. If a future date can’t grasp the reality of that, I’m not the one for him.