While I am certain there are several life-enhancing benefits to marriage, the removal of arachnids from my living space tops the list for me. Whew, chiiiiile if the feminists of the world are reading this, I know they want to throw their electronic devices across the room. “KILL YOUR OWN SPIDERS!” they’re probably shouting at me through their screens. But hey, don’t be so quick to chastise me. After all, I would be commanding my husband to kill the spiders, see?
I hate spiders, or any type of insect that decides to take up residence in my home without offering to pay rent. I remember when I was home from college one summer, I spotted a spider in my mom’s bedroom. I shut the door, grabbed the cordless house phone, and called my Dad to come and kill it while I kept an eye on it from the crack underneath my mom’s bedroom door.
So see, I’ve always been accustomed to having men kill spiders for me. When left to my own devices, I have torn down blinds, broken a ceiling fan, and punched a hole in the wall, all to kill a spider. Which brings me to my next desire for a husband: So he can fix the things I’ve destroyed when he wasn’t around to kill the spiders.
I do have certain criteria when it comes to finding this husband though. The main criteria being, I don’t want to have to ask him to kill the spider. I want him to automatically spring into action as a result of my reaction to the eight-legged terror crawling about in my living space. This proves to me that he sees the spider as just as much of an intrusion as I do. If I have to ask him to kill it however, we could never work. You probably say I’m being ridiculous but think about it: if I’m not around and he happens to see a spider in the house and his only reaction is a non-chalant shrug and turning a blind eye, I can’t trust this man with my life. He has literally just left a murderer to roam about freely in my living quarters!
One more requirement and then I’m done. My future husband/critter killer can’t be scared of spiders also. When I was living in New York City, I dated a guy who jumped and squealed higher than I did when he saw a mouse in his own apartment. I knew right then it wasn’t going to last, but I hung in there for at least a couple of months because he had central heating and air conditioning.
If you’re reading this and shaking your head, don’t judge me too harshly. Part of this is just my sense of humor and I truly do see a value in marriage beyond having someone to squish bugs. I love love and I love the idea of a life partnership with the right person. I’m just gonna need his vow to kill ALL the spiders in writing…and preferably spoken before God, a pastor, and all of our wedding guests.